How do you go about forgiving when you are angry at those who hurt you?
What do you do to make the anger subside?
How do you curb the resentment?
What do you do to make the pain go away?
I’ve had many conversations about this. Both with God and others. One of the issues that I had to deal with was my Charismatic church experience. As many of you may know, in Charismatic circles, it is an imperative that you, not only forgive others of their sins but that you receive forgiveness for yourself and that you examine your history and discover what sins you have committed and seek forgiveness for them. Forgiving when you are angry seems perfectly reasonable. On the face of it. I’m sure that you are asking yourselves, “What possible problem I could have with such a thing?”
Forgiveness and Feelings
I have posted about the problems associated with delving into your past. But I would like to approach the issue of forgiveness and feelings first. The problem is, in the Charismatic circles I have been in, there is an expectation that your feelings reflect the level of forgiveness you have offered or received. I am not a person whose emotions develop from anger into warm fuzzies very easily.
When I used to worship in Pentecostal and Charismatic churches I would be so ashamed that I could not say to someone, “I forgive you” and instantly feel a sense of peace inside towards them. I have always felt a great admiration for those people who could say I forgive you and have their emotions instantly feel that forgiveness towards the other person. Even though I suspect this is mostly for show and not a reality.
One of the reasons I stopped regular worship with Charismatic fellowships was this very thing. As much as I admire people who can say I forgive you and their emotions instantly feel that forgiveness. I can’t do it!
And you know what?
In my discussions with God, people I trust and, most of all, reading The Bible, I discovered don’t have to!
Love and Forgiveness Actions
There is not one reference that I can find in the Bible that says when I forgive someone my emotions have to be in the same place. The Bible says that I have to love and forgive my enemies, it doesn’t say that I have to feel warm and fuzzy towards them. No implication, that I am aware of in scripture says that loving and forgiving my enemies suddenly makes them my friend.
You see forgiveness, everywhere in The Bible is a verb. A doing word. An action word. It requires us to do something. Love, whilst on many occasions a noun in Scripture, is defined by verbs like kindness etc.
Biblically speaking, despite many bible dictionaries associating them with feelings, love and forgiveness are not determined by how one feels.
It is only in the English language and in our culture that we have turned these words into feelings.
From the Hebrew and the Greek
Here are the translations to forgive from the Hebrew and the Greek
afiemi aphiemi {af-ee’-ay-mee};v from hiemi (to send, an intens. form of eimi, to go)
AV – leave, suffer,forsake, let alone, to permit, allow, not to hinder, to give up a thing to a person. Go away from one, in order to go to another place, to depart from any one, to depart from one and leave him to himself so that all, mutual claims are abandoned, to desert wrongfully, to go away leaving something behind, to leave one by not taking him as a companion, to leave on dying, leave behind one, to leave so that what is left may remain, leave remaining, abandon, leave destitute.
apoluw apoluo {ap-ol-oo’-o}; v From which we get the word “apology”(to detain no longer), a petitioner to whom liberty to depart is given by a decisive answer, to bid depart, send away,to let go free, release, to loose a captives bonds and bid him depart, to give him liberty to depart, to acquit one accused of a crime and set him at liberty, indulgently to grant a prisoner leave to depart, to release a debtor, i.e. not to press one’s claim against him, to remit his debt.
You gotta be careful of this next one.”
used of divorce, to dismiss from the house, to repudiate.The wife of a Greek or Roman may divorce her husband.
(“I forgive you “. OK but I get the house and the Kids.) to send one’s self away, to departcarizomai charizomai {khar-id’zom-ahee} middle voice from ; v
AV – give, freely give, deliver, grant;
to do something pleasant or agreeable (to one), to do a favour to, gratify, to show one’s self gracious, kind, benevolent, to grant forgiveness, to pardon to give graciously, give freely, bestow, to forgive, graciously to restore one to another. to preserve for one a person in peril.
How We Act Towards One Another
Love and forgiving when you are angry is not about feelings. It’s about how you act toward one another. The only real references in scripture, concerning feelings, are responses to being forgiven. Over time, if one functionally forgives someone, then eventually the feelings may follow. But as far as The Bible is concerned, that is almost irrelevant. In fact in Matt.18:22-35. The implication is almost one of Jesus’s saying to Peter:
Tough I don’t care how you feel. You have to do it.
This is even though verse 35 says unless you forgive your brother from the heart.
The word “Heart” here can mean that you have to feel the emotion associated with forgiveness. But it can also mean, by an act of will or intelligence, that you put everything into the act of forgiveness to make it so. This is how I understand it. Given that it is the only reference that could imply that we have to act with our emotions and that it is talking about an action it seems unlikely that it could mean anything other than an act of will or intelligence.
So we are being told that forgiving someone means treating them as best as we are able like someone who has not mistreated us. We are being told to treat those who have grieved us with kind acts and do good things for them. No matter how we feel about it. Small acts of kindness and common courtesy show we have forgiven them.
People Who Are Ignorant Of Their Sin Against You
But these verses are about forgiving when someone comes to you and asks for forgiveness. About passing on the forgiveness that you have received: What about when people are ignorant of their sin against you?
Well, we are required in Matthew 18:15 -17 to go and approach people and confront them with the wrongdoing.
What if that’s not practical?
Well, Jesus gives us the ultimate example of forgiveness when it is not practical to confront.
When he was on the cross it was not practical for him to approach the ignorant.
Even though the cross was pretty confronting in itself, He couldn’t confront those who didn’t know they were doing the wrong thing by crucifying Him.
What did he do?
In Luke. 23:34 He prayed for them.
Again forgiveness becomes a verb, a doing word, an action. Nevertheless, we should try to deal with forgiveness issues as soon as possible. The earlier the better.
Forgiving When You Are Angry And Speak The Truth In Love
Ephesians 4: 15, tells us to “speak the truth in love!” Let me give a word of warning here. This verse has been so abused by Christians. Speaking the truth in love is not an excuse to get your own back. If you are approaching a person to get satisfaction it is not love. If you are about getting something out of your confrontation this is not forgiveness you are seeking but revenge.
Speaking the truth in love means that you want to prevent further harm. It’s about making the other person aware that they are heading into danger. It also has nothing to do with how you feel but the facts. You are hurt. But your approach must be about finding a way to avoid future hurt. Not about getting your pond of flesh.
Avoid A Blue
This means that we have to do it in such a way as to avoid a blue. An argument will only make things worse. Forgiving when you are angry means biding our time whilst you wait for things to settle enough before we broach the subject. We may even have to wait until the other person is ready to hear.
What can we do then?
We can throw out the olive branch. We can provide an opening or opportunity for them to let you speak. But more importantly, we can do things for them. As before Small acts of kindness and common courtesy. Show we have forgiven them.
Yes, there are cases where the nature of the offence is too serious to wait and in those cases, we have to follow the rules in Matthew 18: 15-17. But not from your sense of indignation.
Remember Matthew 18:18-20 says judge not so that you will not be judged. In other words, you are going to be judged by the same standard as you use to judge others. This verse does not imply in any way that we should not judge sin as some have suggested. Quite the opposite. It warns us to be wary of the standards we use. Remember the Lord’s prayer. Forgive us as we forgive others or in the same way that we forgive others.
But if we understand that forgiveness is a doing word then most times we can afford to wait. God has already forgiven us. There is no condemnation.
What if We Have Hurt Them?
Then love requires that we take whatever steps we can to apologize. If they will not accept or are not ready we can show love by showing kindness to them and not pushing them. Again God will have already forgiven us.
Forgiving when you are angry takes a long time. The emotion of forgiveness can be a long time coming. It does take time to heal. It is absurd to think that all people are going to have the gift of emotionally forgiving instantaneously. A new relationship has to be established.
Forgiving someone means that we have to establish a whole new boundary of trust. Even when forgiven, We have to bear the consequences of our sins. The story of David and Bearshba and the loss of their baby is a perfect example of that in 2 Sam. 12: 13 -1 4
Incidentally, when confronted with their sin, almost none of the other Kings asked God for forgiveness and so the Kingdom of David was never restored.
In Mt 10:16, Jesus himself said we need to be as:
“wise as serpents and as gentle as doves”.
If someone stole our purse from us we would be unwise to trust that person with our purse straight away. Both for our sake and theirs. But for the sake of forgiveness, we can start to trust them in other things. Until greater trust is reestablished. That is what the ultimate goal of forgiveness is. It is not forgiveness in itself, but the rebuilding of a relationship.
To the best of my knowledge and according to the definition I have just given, I have forgiven all those who have hurt me and done wrong to me.
I am on the road to the ultimate goal of forgiveness.
Leave pain to do its healing in its own time.
The best part about things like this taking time, is it allows you time to learn.
Fairdinkum
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